April 11,2003 a Word From the Lord to me

Disclaimer* Names will be changed for privacy.

In most of these blog posts, I had no clue who I was. I did as the Christian church told me to do in order to get “God to move on my behalf” and I followed like a sheep led to the slaughter. I spoke like the Pentecostal church, I praised, danced, spoke in unknown tongues and shouted like those who trained me. I was by definition a “spirit filled Christian” I was so naive and wanted to belong more than be alive. You will see a lot of uncomfortable language and incidents within my writings. I will not edit anything so you can see where I was at the time. I am not an eloquent writer but I write to relate. I am no longer ashamed or fearful of the church and its leaders. I know who I am now. I have been out of the church for about 10 yrs. now. Read as you watch my life unfold in the hands of men and women who call themselves Christians. Maybe you can relate. So here it goes…

The Lord spoke to my heart and said this,”When I send someone who is in leadership and they call you out by name saying “you are an anointed woman of God” Do not take that lightly and say,”yea ok  whatever you say”. Stand in who you really are. Remember what I told you before about speaking out of your mouth whatever I place in your heart to speak, speak it is me not you. If I send someone who will call you woman of God, I am doing that because I want you to realize who you are. Yes you have stepped into this Call. Now I am sending you those who recognize the anointing upon your life and I want you to recognize it as well. It is a privilege – so receive the anointing on your life. Don’t just walk with it, let it walk not only with you but in you and through you. Call yourself Anointed. No more thinking so badly about yourself. Stand in it! Youre getting a taste of who you really are. This woman coming out of you is not even you. Just like the Woman of God said on the other night, “in my word you become another person”. you’re not a child anymore. you are grown and I want you to walk grown. Not swaying in and out of your walk and call with  me. Stand in who I have said you are.Not who others have said you are. Do not feed off of who you have become. No pride. stay humble. You are anointed, you will give me glory for that. That is why I have chosen you because you know this is not you, you have become someone else. Think back daughter even 2 years ago. The mess you were in. Had it not been for my  wooing love, you would have remained in sin. But I chose you for other purposes then what my enemy had for you. You are a leader. Leader’s walk strong in the Lord, they walk in who I say they are, Head back,shoulders back and march! Onward, focused head straight towards the goal. Eyes fixed on the prize. The only reason leaders can walk like that is because they know who they are now. I’ve called them righteous and Holy unto me. They know I have called them out of the pit and into the palace. Exactly what I have done with you. Catch up with me and stand where I have put you long ago, before I formed you in your mother’s womb in the sacred being made. I knew you.  I chose you to fulfill some things of my place. why do you think I  place people in you life that are destined also? Those who are leaders. You have always asked me, “God why do you always have me around leaders and prophets”? preparation, preparation daughter! I am teaching you to honor the Men and women of God without restraint, without hidden agendas. Without thinking, what’s in it for me.You have pleased me by honoring the Men and Women of God. By honoring them, you honor me. I bless you for that. You will stand out into the light in my time not yours. Just hold the door knob I love you Don’t step to hard too fast and I will be with you. Continue to die to the flesh daily. Well done thus far.

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2018 update: Now this is something that still strikes my heart but in a different way. I believe God is spirit and in every single person. What was spoken to me was something I had already known. It was confirmation. This was myself, encouraging myself . Now the religious logistics such as “continue to die to the flesh” for me now simply means, follow love, know you are love and God dwells within you and everything around you including every person you meet, they are God. A lot of my language in all of my past journal writings to come will be filled with Pentecostal church rhetoric that I was trained to say and bring forth in my life. I was not taught to think for myself in any way. I have been called to bring forth love and light to myself. I am a creator with God. With my thoughts I create my world. My life. 

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Mob of church people and Juanita Bynum (dream) April 7,2003

Disclaimer* Names will be changed for privacy.

In most of these blog posts, I had no clue who I was. I did as the Christian church told me to do in order to get “God to move on my behalf” and I followed like a sheep led to the slaughter. I spoke like the Pentecostal church, I praised, danced, spoke in unknown tongues and shouted like those who trained me. I was by definition a “spirit filled Christian” I was so naive and wanted to belong more than be alive. You will see a lot of uncomfortable language and incidents within my writings. I will not edit anything so you can see where I was at the time. I am not an eloquent writer but I write to relate. I am no longer ashamed or fearful of the church and its leaders. I know who I am now. I have been out of the church for about 10 yrs. now. Read as you watch my life unfold in the hands of men and women who call themselves Christians. Maybe you can relate. So here it goes…

I dreamed me and *sister Susie were in Germany or some foreign country. We were walking across a stage with tons of people in the audience. As we were walking on the stage we didn’t stop, we kept walking off to the other side of the stage. But before we walked to the other side, we stopped in the middle of the stage and I looked at her and said, “I can so see myself on a stage like this one day”. She said,”me too”. And that was it to that part of the dream. Then it went to a part of the dream where I was sitting somewhere with and couple people and Prophetess Superstar, Juanita Bynum. She was with me. She had a brown dress on with her hair pulled back in her signature bun. She was laying her head on my shoulder and I was running my hand over her hair. On her face she looked a little discouraged or sad. That part of the dream ended. Then the dream went to a mob of church people were running after me. *Tracy Edmonds was in the front of the mob. I ran to the bathroom into a stall to hide. The only ones that looked like they were holding the mob back was either *Susie or *Marcia. I couldn’t tell if the mob was jealous and hated me because of their faces. Lord Jesus!!!

2018 update: For those that do not know who Juanita Bynum is, she was like a Spiritual Mother to me years ago. I clung to every word she said, every harsh rebuke. anything and everything she ever said I counted it as truth. She is a world-renowned  “prophetess” She is friends with the likes of Paula White who is Donald Trump’s “spiritual advisor”

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Chicago, Illinois rebuke details from previous blog post. April 1, 2003

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*Disclaimer* Names will be changed for privacy.

 

In most of these blog posts, I had no clue who I was. I did as the Christian church told me to do in order to get “God to move on my behalf” and I followed like a sheep led to the slaughter. I spoke like the Pentecostal church, I praised, danced, spoke in unknown tongues and shouted like those who trained me. I was by definition a “spirit filled Christian” I was so naive and wanted to belong more than be alive. You will see a lot of uncomfortable language and incidents within my writings. I will not edit anything so you can see where I was at the time. I am not an eloquent writer but I write to relate. I am no longer ashamed or fearful of the church and its leaders.  I know who I am now. I have been out of the church for about 10 yrs. now.  Read as you watch my life unfold in the hands of men and women who call themselves Christians. Maybe you can relate.                       So here it goes…

 

I just got off the phone with Sister *Susie. Ok Lord I just received a hard rebuke from her. I feel maybe God you were preparing me for it. After their Vinelife meeting at their home last Saturday night, I left feeling guilt and shame and conviction all the way home about something. I said, “God did I say anything to offend her”? What did I say God? Back on the phone conversation she said I was being convicted and felt shameful because God was preparing me for the rebuke that came from her. It was a rebuke about me liking a guy that was at the Vinelife meeting. She said,” that was not the time or place for that” She rebuked me about my mouth and my fleshly thoughts. She was right for rebuking me. She spoke to her husband about it and he also agreed. Praise God for the Man and Woman of God who speak life to me and with fire. Lord teach me to guard my mouth, put a guard on my mouth and words Lord, I am serious this fast talking thing has got to stop! Lord I repent for speaking that way in their home and to Sister *Susie that way. I realize she speaks with love in heat for me. Teach me to keep my mouth shut and my eyes open. I want to change more. Father God show me your ways, I want to speak your words only. I know that bitter and sweet water cannot flow out of the same well. Break the bitter water out of me. I want you to fill me with healing sweet water. In Jesus name! Psalms-139:23-24- “Search me thoroughly  O’ God and know my heart and try me and know my thoughts and see if there be any wicked or hurtful thing in me. Lead me in the way of everlasting”.

Help me Lord to keep my mouth shut and lips sealed. take away my lust for evil things; don;t let me want to be with sinners doing what they do!! Let the Godly smite me!! Dont refuse it !

Update 2018-  As I look through different eyes, I see that the rebuking and shaming came out of fear that they had.  There was no empathy. Just straight up rebuke and anger towards me. In my warped church mind, I viewed this as love and showing unconditional love. Love does not boast, love is kind. The church taught me to loathe myself so therefore I gladly received the rebuke. That is what I had been trained to do.  Looking back today, I can look at them and say,” I see God in you and I wish you would too” They do not know any better. I do not know if they have changed. Alot of my Blogs will include this woman and her husband because they were my “Mentors” in the church. 

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Chicago, Illinois salvation of communist March 3, 2003

*Disclaimer* Names will be changed for privacy.

In most of these blog posts, I had no clue who I was. I did as the Christian church told me to do in order to get “God to move on my behalf” and I followed like a sheep led to the slaughter. I spoke like the Pentecostal church, I praised, danced, spoke in unknown tongues and shouted like those who trained me. I was by definition a “spirit filled Christian” I was so naive and wanted to belong more than be alive. You will see a lot of uncomfortable language and incidents within my writings. I will not edit anything so you can see where I was at the time. I am not an eloquent writer but I write to relate. I am no longer ashamed or fearful of the church and its leaders.  I know who I am now. I have been out of the church for about 10 yrs. now. I doNOT consider myself a Christian any longer.  Read as you watch my life unfold in the hands of men and women who call themselves Christians. Maybe you can relate.                       So here it goes…

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Lord, I thank you for this past week in Chicago. Another Man got saved in McDonalds. He grew up in a Communist country, in a foreign country. He spoke really bad broken English. His name is Mike and he is 70 years old. Honestly he was the last person I expected to talk “Godtalk” with but praise God. Not only did the Lord allow me to lead him to God but to be able to witness to the Mcdonalds employees all week ( I do marketing for the corporate McDonalds)  It has been awesome how you have allowed me to do this.  On 4-1-0-3 you allowed Sister *Susie to rebuke me about my mouth and my flesh. ( I will write next about what was said) I was in Chicago when I called and spoke to her over the phone I had sinned the night after that and I repented of the sin and went on the next 2 days in the Word and speaking to others about God.  How amazing and anointed I am when I don’t even feel like it. But I feel like I let go of those “feelings” that week to when *Sandy my friend in Delaware when I spoke to her on the phone she said, “how dare I compare God to feelings! Just know that he is God and stop walking in the flesh”. I spoke to my Friend *Sandy just 2 days after Sister *Susie so I got rebuked two times in one week, Amen (ouch). I sent Sister *Susie and her husband a card in the mail telling them that I honor them as leaders and to please forgive me for my mouth and my flesh talking. I spoke to Sister *Susie on Sunday and she said she got my card and said it came at the perfect time because she really needed that encouragement. She and her husband both read it. Praise God for your perfect timing Lord. Speaking of timing, the Man who got saved at McDonalds said, “he never comes to that McDonalds, but he started coming in because he likes talking to me” Little did he know he would be asking Jesus into his heart that Friday!

 

2018 update- I no longer feel the need to be accountable for my actions to those within the church walls. The feelings I had during the “rebuke” from Sister * Susie was shame and guilt. ( that is not who Jesus is) God is within me and in everyone I meet. No need for salvation. That is my Truth. We all area leaders of Good if we would just wake up and realize it. Everyone is equal.

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April 7, 2003-Sowing a seed for my car.

*Disclaimer* Names will be changed for privacy.

In most of these blog posts, I had no clue who I was. I did as the Christian church told me to do in order to get “God to move on my behalf” and I followed like a sheep led to the slaughter. I spoke like the pentecostal church, I praised,danced, spoke in unknown tongues and shouted like those who trained me. I was by definition a “spirit filled Christian” I was so naive and wanted to belong more than be alive.You will see a lot of uncomfortable language and incidents within my writings. I will not edit anything so you can see where I was at the time. I am not an eloquent writer but I write to relate. I am no longer ashamed or fearful of the church and its leaders. I know who I am now. I have been out of the church for about 10 yrs now. Read as you watch my life unfold in the hands of men and women who call themselves Christians. Maybe you can relate. so here it goes..

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The Lord spoke to me on this day when the enemy came against me pertaining to the car that the Lord had given me. When I seen the news about my car I chuckled inside myself and I hit my knees and said,”God is able” Then the Lord said,”take the last $20.00 you have and sow it to TBN (The world-renowned Christian television network). I got excited and got up off of my knees and kept calling until I finally got through. A sweet voice answered and said, “How can we praise the Lord today” I said, ” I can praise God today because I have the victory. I told her that I did not get approved for the loan on the car that God told me was mine.” I then said, “God told me it was mine and I have to sow my last $20 to the network today for my car” So the Lady said,”let’s pray over your need for the next 30 days.” She then said,” I feel the Holy Ghost and I have scripture for you Isaiah 40:10″ After our phone call I immediately went and gathered my $20 and all the change I could find down the couch cushions and under my bed. I mailed it off. God said,”Don’t tell anyone, because I want to get all the glory for it”

I went to church the next morning and * John B approached me at the altar and said prophetically “You will be life to many” He kept mentioning the life of Ezekiel to me.

Later that night I went to a revival service at a local church and the Prophetess asked if anyone wanted to come up and get their inheritance so we can agree together, so of course I went up front. I walked up front and the prophetess anointed my head with oil. The prophetess said,”The Lord says to you today, you are a fireball on fire, you have fire in your belly. I am going to bring you more fire and more fire revelations and it will come with you being on your knees before the Lord. You cannot tell everyone because I am bringing fire testimonies to you life and if you tell some of the other sisters’ they will get jealous and want to through you into the pit. She said, you don’t have to go to the pit you can stay in the palace. After that it was time to sow a seed to the guest ministers. The Pastor started talking about a “back breaker seed” a seed that would be hard on you but you do it anyway. I immediately reached for the necklace I was wearing. It was a necklace that I cherished that my Grandmother had given me. I took it off and walked over to the guest speaker and hugged her and placed it in her hand. I sat back down and a woman who was older yelled from across the room and pointed in my direction. I looked around and she yelled,”you right there” and I turned around and looked behind me. She then again yelled and said, “stand up, you right there” I stood. She proceeded to speak a word over me. “you are like David in the word Of God, you have the breaker’s anointing upon your life, such as in 2nd Samuel 5:20 and David then smote his enemies. The Lord broke forth upon his enemies as the breach waters. David named that place breaking waters”. Now Lord would this word have come to me had I not sowed that necklace into the “woman of God’s life”? would that word had not come if I did not step out in faith and do that? I think not. WOW in Jesus name.

update 2018- I never got the car.